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Conan the destroyer

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Hey, weren’t you mean to Superman?

1984

Who’s in this?

Arnold Schwarzenegger as Conan the shag haired, sword swinging not as barbaric in this film adventurer type. You know Arnold for all his action films both good and bad. He was of course very early in his acting career when he did this film.

Grace Jones as Zula a warrior woman who uses a staff. A singer and actress perhaps best known for her role the following year in the Bond film View to a kill.

Wilt Chamberlain as Bombaata a bodyguard, but he’s suspicious acting too. He was a famous NBA player. Afterwards he did some coaching and had a just a few acting credits.

Tracey Walter as Malik a scruffy thief which isn’t far off most other characters that Tracey has played over the years. He is a veteran character actor who plays scruffy types likely most known as Bob the goon in the 1989 Batman.

Olivia d’Abo as Princess Jehnna well a young princess of course. She is perhaps best known as Kevin’s sister on the Wonder Years.

There are others and really too many to be honest. Other notable people in this film are Sarah Douglas (Superman 2) as a baddie, long time veteran actor/teacher and unfortunately blacklist victim Jeff Corey and Arnold’s long time friend Sven-Ole Thorsen.

What’s this about?

There’s a quest for Conan, he has to babysit a teenage princess and along the ways he picks up all kinds of hanger ons and freaks. He fights monsters, magic, warriors and eventually a big nasty beastie before beating the baddies and saving the day. Yes, there is more to it than that, but really that’s most of it.

The negatives-The story had some merit and I probably like this more than other people. However the worst part is compared to the first film, the comics and the stories this feels like a watered down, very mild version of Conan. It has battles, monsters and magic yet there is always a filter where all these parts are dumbed down or not as violent or blunt as they should. It’s Conan with no edge. Add into that some very unnecessary tag alongs characters and it gets messier. The Malik character and the princess both seem be in the wrong time period as Malik seem very early 20th century or maybe the old west while the princess acts like an 80’s high school girl. There are real chances for this film to be something, but they seemed dedicated to trying to make a Conan for a wider and younger audience.

The positives-The settings are fantastic, some of the best in any fantasy film. The sets and costumes are mostly good as well. The very beginning part with stuff about high adventure is good even if the film doesn’t live up to that promise.  Arnold tries and some of the supporting people do what they can, but the script just didn’t have enough action, intensity or real meat to it. The first Conan films is one of the best of it’s genre. This film is better than some of the other sword and sorcery type movies of it’s decade and overall it’s average or just above yet it’s far below what it could and should have been.

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Take me to prom, Conan!

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About markmc2012

I have watched far too many horror and sc-fi shows in my life. Now I feel the need to share this wealth of knowledge and make others suffer.

4 responses to “Conan the destroyer

  1. I loved both Conan films. Which one had the guy with the Big Hammer that was sent to kill Conan,with two other accomplices, each with thier own massive weapons?

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