1980’s arcade games-Xybots

The first player is “Major Rock Hardy” and  the second player is “Captain Ace Gunn”, but they pretty much look and move the same. You go through this maze fighting robots that get tougher as you go along. Wait, that’s it? Yeah, pretty much. However by 1987 standards these are pretty good graphics and a fairly challenging game to play. I didn’t have the guts to try this one back in the day. I only watched it from a distance. I have played it on a collection in recent years and really like it. However I doubt my quarter would have gotten me very far if I’d try playing it in the arcade back in the late 1980’s.

Creepshow 2

Need a trim, buddy?

1987

Let’s see this says “Creep, show review for you too “. Oh, no wait it actually says  “Creepshow 2 review for you”. This is an anthology which is something like fancy speak for a bunch of short stories. This film is framed by a cartoon that starts with some ruffians being mean to some smaller kid. Eventually we get into the first live action story. It focuses on a wooden indian. There’s this thug who loves his hair “oh, look at me, I’m like a male Rapunzel maybe I should call myself guypunzel”. He and his buds are mean to these old people that own this shop. The wooden indian comes to life and the wooden indian is less wooden than the other actors. He gives the hooligans what they deserve. The next story involves some teens that go out to the lake to act out and act cool-good luck with that last part. Everything goes perfectly for them .. yeah right this is the 80’s and teens in horror films are doomed. A tar puddle starts killing the teens off one and a time. What a bunch of weak victims – most teens in the 80’s get killed by a psycho with a weapon or a dream travelling perv not a patch of goop. Well a couple of the teens survive on a raft and are waiting to try to swim back to shore. The last guy gets to shore, but turns to taunt the monster and gets a bad penalty for doing that. The last segment starts with a former Bond girl cheating on her husband. She tries to hurry home so she doesn’t get caught. Then wham bam no thank you, cheating ma’am she runs over a hitchhiker. No one saw so she leaves. Then she sees the dead hitchhiker several times with a sign that says “you’re a stinky driver, lady” oh I think it actually said  “Thanks for the ride, lady”. He spooks her and eventually of course she dies in an odd way. That’s what you get for being in Moonraker, lady. Back to the cartoon with the kid and the bullies. The former victim lures the others into a trap and kills them with giant flesh eating plants. Then the film ends with the Creep host guy tossing his comics out onto the road which probably gives us an idea of how good they are. Roll the credits.

I’m covered in a bunch of ooky stuff.

The negatives-At 92 minutes this film felt a little short and actually it was originally supposed to have two more segments but the lack of budget caused those to be scrapped. The film falls short of the first film.

The positives-I have a soft spot for anthologies so I may like this film better than most people. The indian segment is definitely my favorite. I think is a decent film overall and I try to watch it once a year. For some reason I associate it with summer and normally watch it late in the summer. They used to show this a lot on weekends on TV in the early 90’s and I came to like it back then.

I’ve had better days.

Aieee there be monsters here!

 

Spaceballs

1987

So this movie is about this summer camp where slackers go to be counselors and cause all kinds of hilarity. Oh, wait … I think that’s actually Meatballs. I got it now. This film is about this small time gym and some of the clumsy people there. They decide to raise money by playing this game and competing against other gym teams. You know if you can dodge a wrench then you can dodge a Spaceball. Huh? Oh, I’ve been told that’s actually Dodgeball, you know Ben Stiller’s funny movie. Now I think I have it. This film is about this Princess Vespa who is supposed to marry a sleepy goofus, but she leaves and this Dark Helmet fella and his boss Skroob go to kidnap her. They want to trade her for her planet’s air. Her daddy hires this guy Lonestar and mog (half man/half dog like you didn’t know) Barf to go and get the princess and bring her back. Since they owe money to Pizza the hut they agree to go on a rescue mission. I’m getting sleep this better get funny soon. It kind of does there are lots plays on names, crotch torture (is that really funny?) slapstick, site gags and more. The baddies try to get the princess and they get advice and a gawdy ring from Yogurt who also shows all the stuff they will sell to make money from this movie (yes, George Lucas this was aimed at you and your fat wallet). He tells them of the Schwartz-hey he just made that up. Later Lonestar struggles to do the Vulcan nerve pinch, but gets advice on how to it right. Heck maybe future Vulcan Tim Russ could have shown him because he had a small part in this film. Eventually there’s a sort of light saber type duel going on with Lonestar and Dark Helmet as they toss more funnies and not as funnies. The baddies transform their enormous ship into a space maid and try to suck the air from the planet -suck,suck, suck! However Lonestar foils their plans and blows the ship up. Parts of the maid fall to planet side to set up a Planet of the apes shot. Lonestar drops off the princess so she can wed the creep. He and Barf go off to eat at a diner where an alien rips out of John Hurt, hey didn’t that happen before? Lonestar realizes he loves the princes and she loves him so he goes and interrupts her marriage to the dorky guy from Too close for comfort. Lonestar found out he’s a prince so they wed, the film tries to squeeze in more jokes and roll the credits.

The negatives-The music is really dated. There are times where the jokes fall flat or there isn’t much funny going on. This film isn’t on the level of Mel Brooks best films like The Producers, Blazing Saddles and Young Frankenstein.

The positives-The films mostly spoofs Star Wars, but also takes jabs at Star Trek, Aliens, Planet of the apes and even the Wizard of Oz. It has John Candy and Rick Moranis-you sold me right there. It has quite a few quotable lines. There are times when the film just really on fire winging the jokes at you at warp speed.

I think this is a good, but not great sci-fi spoof. I watch it fairly often.

It seems like everyone is in this film- we have sound effects madman Michael Winslow, Felix Silla who played Twiki and Cousin Itt, Eight is enough star and Disney veteran Dick Van Patten, one of my favorite grumps of all time Jack Riley has a small part as a TV guy, a young Brenda Strong is here, the wonderful character actor Stephen Tobolowski, don’t blink or your miss seeing Rhonda Shear in the diner plus the voices of Dom Deluise, Phil Hartman and even the always busy voice actor Rob Paulsen.

The Running Man

1987

Who’s in this?
Ah-nold is in this like you didn’t know.

So is Richard Dawson, Jessie the body, Jim Brown, Professor Toru Tanaka and well that’s already enough reasons to see this and my guess if you should have already seen this a bunch of times.

What’s this about? So this big dude is set up to take a fall and ends up in a futuristic prison, but soon he and some others escape. Not so fast he gets caught and this time a woman who was unwillingly with him gets taken too. But, hey no prison this time instead they get a chance at freedom by getting to compete on “The running man” a real life brutal game show where the contestants have to get past Stalkers- big old killers with goofy names. Richards (Arnold) of course fights back while delivering one liners and wins out eventually. Dawson gets his and roll the credits.

Share, boys share.

The negatives-Some people like to look back at 80’s action films and tilt theire noses up (like today’s action films are so sophisticated). This film may get the cheese label thrown it at times.

The positives-The action is solid even if some of the effects are dated. The pacing is a definite plus here and that makes up for a lot. Arnold stands up pretty well here and seems very comfortable with the part. Maria Conchita Alonso was in my mind far better than most of the leading ladies that end up in Arnold’s films. Richard Dawson is awesome in being so over the top and cruel. The supporting cast in general are everything they needed to be.

This has always been one of my favorite Arnold films and one that I feel like I am always in the mood to watch.

How shiny, just like a headlight or a firefly’s butt.

The Barbarians coming to DVD

I don’t normally announce DVD releases because I leave that for sites that always deliver that kind of news. However I was at Amazon and stumbled upon the news that 1987 film The Barbarians is getting a release on DVD next month along with the 1978 Lee Majors film The Norseman (which I never seen). I remember seeing a short article on The Barbarians when it came out in 1987 and figured it had to be a great and wonderful piece of crap. I didn’t see it until it showed up on TV one afternoon around 95 or 96. It was horrible yet great and way over the top, but that was the only time I ever saw it. Yet here it is just weeks away from coming out on DVD. I can’t wait!

http://www.amazon.com/The-Barbarians-Norseman-Double-Feature/dp/B00CQ8U6A8/ref=pd_sim_sbs_mov_2