Deepstar Six- A review in song

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In 1989 three films were released with undersea creatures- The Abyss, Leviathan and Deepstar six. I just watched Deepstar Six for the first time. I thought about the fact that those three films with similar ideas all came out in the same year. Then I remembered another undersea film with a monster that came out in 1989-The Little Mermaid from Disney. In honor of those 1989 underwater sea monster films I decided to combine them by doing a review of Deepstar Six to the tune of Under the sea. Here you go.

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Deepstar Six: Under the Sea (to the tune of the Under the sea from the Little Mermaid)

The seaweed is always greener

In somebody else’s deep lake

You dream about being here not there

But that is a big mistake

Just look at the world around you

Right here on the cracked ocean floor

Such frightful things surround you

What are you lookin’ for?

Under the sea

Under the sea

Getting scared isn’t better

Down where it’s wetter

Take it from me

Up on the shore they are monster free all day

Out in the sun they dance away

While we devotin’

Full time to belly up floatin’

Under the sea

Down here all the creatures is scary

As off through the waves they rise

The fish on the land ain’t scary

The beasties down here will give you a nasty low budget surprise

But people on the land is lucky

The ones below are in for a worser fate

This movie is kind of sucky

There isn’t a charcter that you won’t hate

Under the sea

Under the sea

The monster might beat us

Kill us and eat us

This movie it starts out dull

Then a fangy thing tries to kill them all

Miguel Ferrier causes troubles

Eventually his blood bubbles

Under the sea (Under the sea)

Under the sea (Under the sea)

Since there is human meat here

The monster will try to eat here

Naturally (Naturally)

Even the tough woman and the foreign guy

They are expendable so they have to die

You saw Leviathan and the Abyss

So you decided to watch this

Under the sea

An underwater nuclear base

Can be a terrible place

You may discover an undersea cave

It’s your own rear end you should save

Digging too deep

Can bring up an underwater creep (Yeah)

The underwater vehicle sprang a leak

Things began to look bleak

The dude from BJ and the Bear

Tries to hide under his facial hair

I am throwing in the word staff

Because it allows me to say that Matt McCoy got ripped in half
Yeah, under the sea (Under the sea)

Under the sea (Under the sea)

When the mission begins to fail

All the people they look real pale

What do they got?

Not much time

A film this flat could be a crime

The director of Friday the 13th was here

You’d think a cheap flick he’d know how to make here

Under the sea

Each little B movie actor or actress here

Is looking all wide eyed here

Under the sea

You’ve seen this all before so let out a sigh

Almost everyone will die

Except the dull leads who go to the surface up higher

Then they set the monster on fire

Under the water

That’s where most of the film took place

If you watched it then I can see the disappointment on your face

Under the sea

 

Ten things I learned from Batman

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1989

Back as far as 1981 it was announced that Warner Brothers would be doing a Batman movie. I remember reading the announcement in Starlog back then and was very excited. However over the next few years the film seemed to be changing writers and directors frequently and it was looking like it might not happen. Tim Burton was hired as the director in 1986 which was surprising as he was still a relative unknown. However in 1988 Beetlejuice became a hit and it was only then the Batman project was green lighted with Burton at the helm. They needed a real action hero to play Batman so they hired Beetlejuice himself Michael Keaton. Wait, what the? Burton pushed for him and he was cast, but many Batman fans were skeptical. In the summer 1989 it came out and it was huge hit. The film drew more on the darker image of Batman that come up in the late 1980’s in his comics. They took liberties, the film had a fair of humor, lots of action and great visuals for the time. It spawned several sequels, influence the 1992 cartoon as well as I dare say had an impact on the oh too short lived 1990 The Flash TV series. Batman still holds well today 25 plus years later. Oh, yeah and here’s a list for you.

1-Everyone should be scared of a masked bat dude.

2-The crooked cop is always the scruffiest guy in the bunch.

3-Don’t fool around with the mob leader’s woman.

4-If you are a superhero you have to try and talk deep and scary. Go ahead and try it.

5-Smilex isn’t as pleasant as it sounds.

6-Never trust a psycho who is giving away money, it’s a trap.

7-Parades aren’t always a good thing, sometime they can bring gaseus death.

8-A state of the art flying machine can be brought down by a hand gun with a long barrell.

9-Fighting in an old church bell tower is dangerous…if you are a bad guy.

10-Big time super villains can actually die.

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Memorial Valley Massacre

 

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“Aaaaeee, a killer way scarier than Jason or Freddie..er maybe not so much.”

AKA – Valley of death
1988/1989-Both are listed.

So over Memorial Day weekend a bunch of clichéd characters including bikers, a couple of tacky city people with a spoiled son, three metal heads and a war veteran (yay for William Smith) want to come and camp out at Memorial Valley. Of course if they didn’t want to do that there would be no movie…hmm well that could go both ways. Anyways this college kid son of the developer signs on to be assistant camp helper or something. He’ll soon find this isn’t Yogi Bear snatching picnic baskets that he will have to deal no it’s something far less threatening because this is one of the worst slasher films ever. You see this guy who looks like a cross between Rambo and Mowgli is living in a cave. No, I didn’t make that up but I suspect the writers of this “film” made this up as they went along. So our killer gets slashed by the fat spoiled guy and he goes ballistic-arghh I’m a crazed, cave living savage with poofy hair and I’ll kill you all- that is he may have said that if he could have spoken. So then there’s a wet t-shirt dance by the metal girl, a no nudity sex scene and some of the worst soundtrack music ever. William Smith wants to stay in his camper and I don’t blame for not wanting to show his face in this film. Then George the head ranger and total sourpuss says hey lets go after this wild dude to pick up the pace of this train wreck of a movie. So every dummy there gets a gun and the wild dude promptly knocks them off one at a time with weapons, explosions, spiked pits, a lame bear hug and other unimpressive methods. Then a real shocker is laid out well not really but George the ranger is the daddy of wild child, but George gets killed the jungle Rambo flees and everything gets wrapped up or maybe they ran out of film. Anyways roll the credits.

Stats-
Number of unconvincing bikers-Six, yeah all of them.
Number of too clean wild dude slasher types-one or one too many.
Number of blindingly bad 80’s outfits worn by the city couple-two I think, but then again I was blinded after the first two.

This was a rather painful attempt in the slasher genre but it had some things that were worth laughing at. Plus this film also gives people desperate to watch a holiday related films something to watch for Memorial Day if indeed that desperate.

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Yeah this is what qualifies as “cool kids” in this film.

11 thoughts about Ghostbusters 2

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With the passing of Harold Ramis I’m sure lots of people were pulling out Ghostbusers, Caddyshack, Stripes, Groundhog day or something. Likely I’m one of the few that opted for this 1989 sequel. I actually watched it as recently as October, but wanted to give it another viewing. Here are some quick thoughts on it.

1-I’m not sure the original needed a sequel, but I’m glad they made it.
2-The scene with Ray and Winston doing a birthday party is sad, but kind of funny.
3-I didn’t like Louis or Janine as much in this film as I did in the original.
4-I liked the parts where they are trapping other ghosts after they have work again. The ghost runner was interesting.
5-Peter MacNichol was annoying in his part, but the more I see him the more I think that approach works for the part.
6-The part where Venkman says something about suck in the guts guys we’re the Ghostbusters always make me smile.
7-The idea behind Vigo was just okay, but he certainly looked creepy.
8-Slimer’s cameo seemed very tacked on.
9-There was no need for Louis to suit up as a Ghostbuster.
10-The part where the Titanic comes in is awesome even though it’s only a few seconds.
11-Egon sharing about how he had part of a slinky but he straightened it fits in so well with his character.

Overall I like this movie probably more than most people. Of course it’s not on the level of the original, but it’s likable. I think my biggest problem with is parts that don’t seem to add to the characters development or advance the plot of the film. On the plus side we get to see the guys back to work doing what they do best.

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Star Trek V-The Final Frontier

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1989

Who’s in this?

Outside of the regular Enterprise cast we have…

Laurence Luckinbill as Sybok, Spock’s long haired, smiling, God-seeking half-brother. He worked in TV and made for TV movies quite a bit in the 70’s and 80’s.

Out of the rest cast I’d say the ones that deserve being mentioned most are these.

David Warner as St. John Talbot the Federation representitive who gets pulled in by Sybok. Warner was a very accomplished British character actor even by this time. He was in the Omen, the Titanic, From beyond the grave, tons of cartoon voices and he would be back as different character in Star Trek 6 and in STTNG.

Rex Hollman as J’onn the bald, messed up teeth dude who followed Sybok and is in the opening sequence. He was Morgan Earp in the Spectre of the gun episode of the original series. That was no stretch and he was in various episodes of numerous 60’s westerns. He actually clocked in over 100 credits with this one because the last one listed at IMDB.

The Klingon couple Todd Bryant as Klaa and Spice Williams as Vixis had both some experience as stunt people by the time of this film. Both have continued in that field and had steady work as stunt people in films and are both still in that line today.

STAR TREK V: THE FINAL FRONTIER

Maybe if we shove Shatner out and leave him here he’ll never direct another film.

What’s this about? So check this out. Spock has a half-brother and he wants to go look for God because he thinks God is hanging out on this planet far, far away. The Enterprise is in crap shape and Kirk is wearing a silly t-shirt, but they are still sent to stop Spock’s half brother. Yet they instead let the Enterprise get taken after Uhura lures guys in by being naked, Spock neck pinches a horse creature and Kirk wrestles a cat woman. Oh and there’s this Klingon captain who looks like he’s into weight lifting and 80’s hair metal and like he’s out to make a name for himself by going after Kirk as well. There’s some parts with the big three around a campfire and Kirk saying he knows that when he dies he’ll alone and that theme is sort of throughout the film somewhere between all the crap bits jammed into this thing. Spock’s half brother Sybok can take pain from others and that’s mainly how he gets followers. He’s kind of a rebel for a Vulcan and shows emotions so we can all laugh at Spock acting stiff as he cringes at people knowing about his  hippie brother. Eventually Kirk is pretty much always right in this one as he wins out over the fake God, Sybok’s quest and the pretty boy Klingon gunner/Captain. Roll the credits and put your face in your hands.

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I could shoot you, but maybe I should shoot that Shatner guy for making this movie.

The negatives-The main problem here is the story. It’s kind of like The way to Eden from the sereies which is a bottom five episode with elements of the first Trek movie too. It’s maybe worse here as Sybok’s character seems to get everything going but he’s taken in by what he eventually finds even though we all see it coming a mile aways. The Enterprise crew all seem to fumble more than they ever have and it’s not to all to blame on the troubles the ship is having. In the end this all comes across as a rather cheap, flimsy attempt to fit into the Trek universe. The effects are sub-par too.  I saw this opening weekend in 1989 and walked out thinking oh man they just made something worse than “Spock’s Brain”.

The positives-I kind of like the campfire scenes even if they are a bit too silly. They have Sulu and Checkov hiking which results in another silly joke, but it was nice to see them doing something as friends. It’s also implied that Scotty and Uhura were doing things maybe as friends or maybe as more than friends-either way I liked that it was mentioned. most of this is early on and after this anything positive for the the supporting crew is gone. The parts with Spock coming to terms with Sybok are okay, but don’t totally fit and they fail add a whole to Spock’s character.

This is a terrible film overall, the worst of all the Trek films. Someone needed to take a better look at that script and point out lame it was and how did so much damage the good that previous films had done for these characters. It was a joke and a bad one. The concept of looking for a higher power had been done in Trek and it could have been done here in a better way had they limited the humor, not made Kirk being the only being correct and have the concept of finding God be not so physical. Finding a floating being on an isolated planet seemed really limp and made Sybok look even sillier. Thinking about this film makes me want to quote a character from another scifi show…”oh, the pain, the pain”. Sybok should have taken away the pain I had after I saw this movie.

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Star Trek week continues on Tuesday with a much more upbeat topic-my history with Star Trek although it may only interest me.

Godzilla vs. Biollante

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Toho

1989

Who’s in this?

Kenpachiro Satsuma as Godzilla

Kunihiko Mitamura as Kazuhito Kirishima

Yoshiko Tanaka as Asuka Okouchi

Masanobu Takashima as Major Sho Kuroki

Megumi Odaka as Miki Saegusa

Toru Minegishi as Lieutenant Goro Gondo

Koji Takahashi as Doctor Genichiro Shiragami

Toshiyuki Nagashima as Director Seiichi Yamamoto

Ryunosuke Kaneda as Seikun Okouchi, Azuka’s Father

Kazuma Matsubara as Super XII Coordinator

Yasunori Yuge as Prime Minister

Kenpachiro Satsuma as Godzilla

What’s this about? I watched this film three times and like most Godzilla films when characters are rambling on I am thinking “blah, blah, blah stop with this nonsense and bring on Big G”. Much of this movie leading up to the monster fights plays out like a B grade action flick with some Miami Vice reject type greasy thugs tossed in, but it moves alonmg well enough. Apparently the last time Big G was in town destroying buildings and stuff he scraped off some of oily hyde. A group of American soldiers try to get the scrapings (what an assignment)  because they contain Godzilla DNA, but someone else wanted it too and they took it by force. There’s a sub plot going back and forth with different people trying to get these samples while they shoot at each other and try to look cool in a late 80’s kind of way. From there we go to the scientists as we can tell they are science folk because they stand around and look thoughtful as they gaze into the distance. Dr. Shiragami is the main man of science here and he has been doing experiments with Godzilla’s cells. Eventually a big old flower headed thingie blooms out of a nearby lake oh and it shall be called Biollante. Then the flower headed thingie opens and Biollante starts calling out to Godzilla. This sounds like a dolphin with nasal congestion. Plus calling Godzilla to you is never a good thing …unless you’re watching this film and are ready for some monster action. The Super X II is sent to deal with Godzilla. It’s a remote controlled flying ship that looks kind of like an old style electric razor. Of course this ship is no match for Big G. Our most favorite lizard comes in closer and does battle with the giant flower headed Biollante. After much screeching, splashing and powerful breath blasts and it looks like the large plant is down for the count. The G man goes off to the nearest nuclear reactor to re-charge. The scientists babble on some more- who cares you are not Godzilla. Big G gets some missiles shot at him and another round with the Super X II. The science side (boo) try to shoot bacteria into the mightiest monster of all time with apparently no effects. The eggheads conclude that G’s body temperature is too low, I always knew he was one cool customer. If only they could shove him into a giant microwave oven or something like that, but actually the science dudes try to get him on these microwave plates that will heat Godzilla up kind of like a slice of pizza and then the bacteria will place. Before all that can happen a new more monsterous Biollante shows up, this one is more like Godzilla with teeth rough skin but it still plant qualites. They scream and fight while everyone else looks on. Godzilla looks like he is on the ropes (no,no,no). Then he shoots his atomic breath in Biollante mouth, yes fight dirty if you have too. This movie has been tiring on the mighty monster and he takes a header into the water after stumbling to get there. Biollante evaporates into animated sparkles and Dr. Shiragami sees the image of he daughter in the sparkles. Dr. Shiragami walks towards the sparkles “ew, pretty, sparkly” then ka-wham he gets shot by an evil agent still trying to get his greasy paws on the Godzilla cells. There is a chase and a final fight, bang-pow good guys win. Godzilla makes his way out into the water and roll the credits.

Stats-
Number of times that Godzilla falls into the water-three at least, what a clumsy oaf
Number of buildings that get demolished-Not enough of them probably
Number of people with nothing to do but stand at stare at flower headed biollante- At least 150 or so.

The negatives? Parts of the film were a little hard to follow during the first viewing.

The positives? Godzilla being mean, fighting rough and dirty. What more could you ask for? This was overall a pretty good chapter in Godzilla’s long history. The action is solid, the humans are good enough, the settings are fine and the effects are good given the time and budget constraints.

Slipstream

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1989
Who’s in this?
Bill Paxton as Matt Owens. A shaggy haired cross between a surfer and a cowboy in attitude who is part conman and part adventurer I guess. Poor Paxton is the main character but gets billed behind Hamill and Peck in the credits. Once you witness his “acting” you will think he should have been bumped further down the list.
Bob Peck as Byron a fugitive who wears a suit. After a while you’ll guess the truth about him before it’s revealed.
Mark Hamill as lawmen Will Tasker. Ironic isn’t it that not long after this Hamill’s Star Wars co-star Harrison Ford would play a fugitive in a very good film while here Hamill is going after a fugitive in a shitty movie.
Kitty Aldridge as Belitski. Hamill’s partner who can’t decide if she’s tough as nails or totally in need of a man.
Susan Leong as Abigail who falls for Byron.
Other notable people who are in this film-
F. Murray Abraham and Ben Kingsley both got roped into small parts in this film.
Then in one scene Paxton returns home to get some gear and goes past some friends all sitting in a bubbling pool. You will recognize one of the people in the scene cause holy Hagrid in a hot tub it’s a fairly young clean shaven Robbie Coltrane. He later gets rubbed out by Hamill and his partner in perhaps the worst futuristic shootout ever.

What’s this about? I’m going to try and make this short for you because it was long and tedious for me. In the future man has damaged the earth and created a giant powerful group of winds called the slipstream. Unfortunately we don’t see a whole lot of this idea. Instead we just follow a bunch of chowder heads flying after each other in planes and annoying everyone they run into. Hamill and Paxton are full of hot air in this film, but the slipstream itself only comes into play in a few parts. So Byron is wanted for murder and Tasker and Belitski grab him. Then Paxton comes in and spouts off rotten pick-up lines and lame dialog all over the place. It’s like the writers of this film picked up unused dialog from the most clichéd 80’s films they could find and just shoved in where they could in between the “plot”. Paxton sees dollar signs and steals Byron from Hamill and his partner . Then he goes off in his plane travelling along the slipstream or just so the film makers can pad this film with some great views of locations from the sky. Now we get into a long stretch of nothingness that just floated around taking up time. Byron is revealed as a healer. Hamill is a heartless, obsessed killer and a terrible freaking actor. Paxton stumbles around spouting off stuff like “you’re the kind of guy who gets out of the shower to take a piss” and “who made you a doctor-the grim reaper?”. Oh, my I half expected him to say “dude” or “chief” when he talked too. I guess the shaggy hair and the hard rock and AOR that came on didn’t exactly convince me this was a future setting either. Eventually we learn that Byron is an…….android, but you likely guessed that 20 minutes before Hamill reveals it. I guess we should have known he was because who else could hear Paxton spout off that crap and keep a straight face? So Matt starts to be friends with Byron. Byron takes up with a red haired woman who leads them to an underground place occupied by educated people of culture. This group is lead by F. Murray Abraham who does more than everybody else in this film with the few lines he was given and he has to be thinking “ how did I end up in a film like this?”. Hamill shows up determined to get Byron this time because they aren’t going to make a joker out of him, get it Joker oh nevermind. So Byron’s new girlfriend gets killed by Hamill and the android who doesn’t even have yellow eyes goes after Tasker because he’s mad as heck and this film is in sore need of some action. He even jumps into the airplane with Tasker trying to kill him. Man if he’d been this aggressive with those Raptors he may have made it to a sequel. Back to this film I think Red Leader calls in with some orders, wait yet another wrong film. Byron is unsure about killing or so it seems for a second and then SMASH the plane goes into a mountainside like a Wile E. Coyote in a failed roadrunner quest. Tasker likely turned to little bits, but Byron walks away with just scorch marks. He gets a new set of duds he and Matt say good bye. Matt and Belitski are now friendly so they take off in a plane and go past some hot air balloons because Matt had mentioned at some point his dream was to run balloons so blah,blah,blah. Game over, man and role the credits.
Stats-
Number of bad lines Paxton spits out- 95% of them
Number of human size kites that Byron is strapped to for determining if God likes him or not (seriously)- 1
Number of bath toys that shirtless Robbie Coltrane plays with in the hot tub-two I think
The negatives? Paxton and Hamill seemed determined to prove who was the worse actor. I’m still still not sure who won, but it sure wasn’t anyone who watched this. The movie starts out with some promise but falls apart quickly.
The positives? This was filmed in Turkey and the locations are fantastic and they make fairly good use of them as well. The planes, costumes and weapons were all good enough. F. Murray Abraham has a tiny role at the end with gobbledygook to say and still delivers it like he means it 110%.
Who should see this? This film has some fans but Hamill being a sort of sci-fi film is probably the main reason people give this a chance. If you are a fan of his you may want to check it out once just don’t expect much.

976-Evil

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The case says 1988 and I have seen the UK release dated listed as late 1988, but several sources say the US theatrical release was March, 1989.

Directed by Robert Englund (yes, that Robert Englund)

I remember seeing ads for this when it came out, but I never saw it and didn’t know anyone who had seen it either. I picked it up at Wal-mart’s $5 bin around Halloween 2008, watched it once and then there it sat until I viewed it for this review.

Who’s in this?

Stephen Geoffreys was three years removed from played Evil Ed in Fright Night. This time around he’s the star of the film as Hoax who is socially awkward teen who is ruled over by his God fearing momma as well as being bullied at school.

Patrick O’Bryan as Spike cousin of Hoax and he lives above their garage. He has a motorcycle, a short ponytail and a girlfriend so he must be cool. On the downside he appears to be 26 and is still in high school.

Sandy Dennis plays Hoax’s mom. She loves God and cats plus she rules over her a son with an iron fist. She won an Oscar and a pair of Tony awards, but by this time she wasn’t getting the best of roles offered to her. She died from ovarian cancer just a few years after this film.

Jim Metzler as Marty a policeman who kind of wanders into the story and frequents cheap diners while doing very little else until the last ten minutes of the film. Metzler has been in a ton of stuff and is still acting regularly today.

Leslie Dean as Suzie. She’s Spike’s girlfriend and she loves pizza and hates spiders.

J.J. Cohen as Marcus. You may know him as Skinhead one of Biff’s gang members in all three Back to the future movies

Robert Picardo (ST Voyager, Stargate shows, The Howling and a crapload of other stuff) playing what else? A freak as Mark Dark who runs the company that controls the phone line for 976-Evil. A small role but this is Robert Picardo so of course he steals the scene he’s in.

The don’t blink or you’ll miss him role of this film is veteran comedy character actor Paul Wilson (Cheers, Macolm in the middle and like 100 other things) who briefly appears as a teacher.

Another small role, but not a small actor is Greg Collins as Mr. Selby. A former football player Collins began acting in the mid-80 and is still going strong with well over a hundred credits. He frequently has small roles as a policeman, someone in the military or a gym teacher. You have no doubt seen him in a bunch of stuff.

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Just don’t say some crap about opening with a pair of hearts.

What’s this thing about?

This would be the section where I describe the plot. However IN this film the plot is very loose maybe like a baseball with seams that are barely holding on as the movie goes on those seams began to rip and the plot begins to fall apart. Instead we get random skits and various time wasters tossed in to try to keep you going until they end. Ot maybe the writers only came up with a beginning and an end and figured that the oddball cast could carry the middle enough to keep it going. Anyways much like the writers (yes, I know that future Academy award winning writer Brian Helgeland co-wrote this script) of this film I am skipping to the end too soon. Okaylet’s see what’s going in this film- a guy catches on fire for grabbing a pay phone and oh we know that evil is coming because of the burning guy and EVIL is in the title wahahahaha. Hoax is a real mess who can’t get anywhere and his dominating overly religious mom makes matters even worse. Hoax idolizes his way cool cousin Spike (so no one is named Mike or Dave in this movie?). Spike needs money to get his bike back because he lost it Marcus in a card game. Poof Spike gets a card for a hotline called Horrorscope-get it H-O-R-R-O-R, whoa the writers must have been high fiving each other for an hour after thinking up that little ditty. Oh and the phone numer is 976-EVIL. So Spike calls and gets some hammy semi-rhyming response and some lead that he’ll get money. Wouldn’t you know it he does get some moolah. Wow but then again if the phone line didn’t work the movie could have ended here which may not have been a bad thing. Hoax gets bullied by Marcus and his gang and when Spike saves him once he thinks they are buddies but no freaking way because Spike is too cool for that. Since Spike has an A list nickname and Hoax is like a fake, fraud name and probably down around the D grade nickname level. Somewhere around here trenchcoat wearing Marty blows into town and begins poking around about odd stuff happening and this leads him to Spike. He finds out that Spike used the 976-Evil hotline and this lead to strange things a happening. Marty goes straight to the source and visits the business that runs this hotline and lots of others. Screwball owner Mark Dark says his company did run that line but they have since shut it off because it wasn’t make enough money. Oh, Lordy so now we must assume that a demon or spirit from beyond has taken over a hotline whoa that’s heavy, man. Next thing you know someone is going to break out a pentragram -oh, wooly bully there goes Hoax making a big old pentagram on the floor of his room. Then he takes his off shirt, sits right in the middle of that evil sign and conjurs up some spiders to scare Suzie. Hold on, this power is too much for just scaring so those spiders do her in, yikeees. Spike learns that Hoax is using the spooky hotline and eventually he tells Marty who figures on doing something in between meal stops at greasy spoons. Hoax is caught up in the power now. First he slashes one of the guys in Marcus’s gang with some big rippy claws he just grew. That night he gets all bushy like a  reject from that island with that Dr. Moreau feller and then he rips the heart of two of the gang members, cuts the hand off Marcus before finishing him after Marcus does such a tidy job trying to stop the bleeding by wrapping the stump in toilet paper. Then Hoax takes out the last gang member by shoving him into a neon sign brrrrrtzzzz. Hey, Evil E…excuse me Hoax is on a roll so you know that loud, pushy momma is next and rip she gets it. Then Hoax turns her house into this crystalized cave sort of a Fortress of Insanity.  Marty who now has Spike’s teacher with him shows up at crystal house and so does Spike who has to come stag since his girl is dead and all. Start up the big finale even though these heroes such as they are have become very difficult to care about. So a chase starts and Hoax and Spike have it out which all winds up with Hoax being flipped into a fire pit below and then the ground swallows him up. So that’s it-oh, no wait twist ending alert- we see Mark Dark in an office and find out that he is operating 976-Evil and he’s keeing a file on those he takes over because he has a picture of Hoax in front of him. Oh, jeepers creepers role the credits and start penning the sequel.

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So they stuck Spike’s teacher in the last half hour of the film just so she could have this done to her.

Stats-

Number of fish that fall from sky once Spike starts using the hotline-Maybe 30 but they were pretending like was hundreds. Not the only thing that smelled fishy about this movie.

Number of teenage girls who wear men’s underwear or big baggy underwear-Two

Number of high school kids who don’t look like they are at least 23-None that having speaking roles.

Number of poker games that Marcus and his gang have whether with Spike or Hoax or without- I think four although maybe it was all part of one big long game.

Negatives? This movie falls into the trap that so many films in the late 80’s did which is to wrap the films up with blood an gore but never manage to be scary or even surprising. On top of that as previously mentioned the plot falls apart as the film goes along. Stephen Geoffreys has a lot of pressure on him to carry a lot of the film. He tries using the quirky mannerisms that worked for him in Frigh Night, but here we see he really needed a strong script to help him out and he didn’t have one. Patrick O’Bryan is about as one dimensional as he can be and you really should be made to care a little about the hero, but I actually cared less for him as the film went on.

Positives? At least they didn’t make a sequel. Oh, wait they did, but I have not seen it so I would guess that’s a positive for me. Spike was I believe the only character who returned for the second one and it was the last acting credit that IMDB lists for that actor, imagine that. The effects are mostly good for the budget, the crystalized house was probably the best effect. Casting Robert Picardo as Mark Dark was a good move as well. Sandy Dennis tried, but she wasn’t given all that much to do. JJ Cohen didn’t have a great role or a great gang, but something about his performance made me think he could have been a good gang leader in a film that offered him a little more to do. Despite the effort to give Geoffreys cute lines it’s Cohen’s “What’s up…Chuck?” that he delivers before hazing Hoax that tends to be the most memorable line of this film.

So should you see this if you have not already? Lovers of 80’s horror may want to give it a once over. More casual horror fans will likely to skip it because it’s nothing spectacular.

Sundown-The vampire in retreat

sundown

The case says this film was made in 1990, but IMDB says 1989.

Directed by Anthony Hickox

David Carradine ad Mardulak

Morgan Brittany as Sarah

Jim Metzler as David

Bruce Campbell as Van Helsing

Deborah Foreman as Sarah the vampire who loves Van Helsing

Maxwell Caulfied as Shane the vampire whose stalking Sarah

M. Emmit Walsh as Mort, one of the grizzled vampires who works at the gas station oh and he knocks a dude’s head off early on the film.

John Ireland as Jefferson an old school vampire who wants to go back to sucking blood out of people.

What’s this about? I really want to keep this short because it could get way too long. Okay this film is a horror comedy with definite western elements. Purgatory is an isolated desert town made up of all vampires. Mardulak kind of rules the town and has a factory going to try create a synthetic blood for them to live off of. Shane oversees the plant but they need help they invite the mortal David who brings his wife Sarah and their two daughters to Purgatory so that David can help get the plant up to speed (he doesn’t know it’s for vampires). Meanwhile nasty old Jefferson remembers the good old days when vampires sucked blood from people and he doesn’t want the synthetic blood so he is secretly getting a rebellion together with an army full of mean and nasty vampires. About twenty minutes in the goofiest vampire hunter ever-Van Helsing wanders into town looking for Mardulak. We don’t meet Mardulak until 40 minutes in even though Carradine gets top billing. Along the way there’s like a ton of side plots- a human gets killed, his friends show up, everyone wants to bite them, Shane thinks Sarah’s youngest daughter is his, blah,blah, blah. Anyways all this eventually leads to a big shootout between Jefferson and his old nasties about Madulak and well, everyone else. Oh and Shane might be a wooden pretty boy but he did come up with wooden bullets that splinter on impact. So that explains how vampires can shoot other vampires. Of course you can guess which side wins.

Stats-

Number of times that David Carradine looks like he’s forgetting his lines? About 1/3 of the time.

Number of times that Bruce Campbell acts like the stupidest vampire hunter ever ? 100% of the time, but he’s funny 100% of the time too.

Number of times that a stop motion bat turns into a naked Maxwell Caulfield? twice

The negatives? There are a lot of positives to this unfortunately barely known film, but to me the plot as it is goes around far too long. There are lots of side stories that only seem there to squeeze in all the B movie actors despite the fact that it doesn’t help the main plot. The gunfight seems to go on forever, it’s fun at first but it gets tedious.

The positives-Look at that cast, all kinds of of fabulous weirdos and I just listed the main people because there are more. The vampires can protect themselves with sunscreen during the daylight and we see wooden bullets. Okay, those are stretches but I liked seeing a few attempts at changes the vampire myth and worlds. The desert location in Utah made me sweat just looking at it, that’s a compliment. Oh yeah there are some stop motion bat beasties in this, strange but stop-motion! Always a plus.

This is a  crazy, messed up film that isn’t the best horror comedy ever. Yet it’s strange enough to be worth a viewing. Despite the cast it’s far from a classic, but it’s just off enough to be a cult classic of sorts.