Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

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2014

This is a story about a courageous female newsperson whose father was in on creating these powerful turtles, she discovers a metallic coated evil dude, she tries to convince her silly co-workers about what is going on but they go on being stupid and….then she. Wait, a turtles movie is supposed to be about the Turtles you know like the title says. However in this version April seems to take priority. Eventually we see the lumpy looking turtles and they do some fighting in between April’s parts. Shredder looks he was built by a bored hardware store employee, but he gives his evil portrayal-wahaha or something. There’s a meany pants scientist in this too and he has some lame brilliant plan that can’t possibly fail-okay of course it fails. The personalities of the turtles are developed more and more as the film progresses…just kidding this is the April show so the turtles just whiz bang in for some brief action here and there. There are some explosions, some fights, some lame jokes and eventually the film ends. Good Lord roll the credits.

The negatives- Megan Fox is on screen way too much and she is awful like make me cringe kind of awful. She seems to think that moving her lips a lot counts as acting-it doesn’t. I knew they changed the turtles origin story and that’s okay, but tying April into it via her dad doesn’t work for me. The Turtles started out okay, but they never really develop their personalities that much. Raphael and Leonardo in particular are left as shadows of the characters we have come to know. The plot and the villains felt poorly planned out. The action was okay, but not enough to make up for the other many shortcomings.

The positives-I thought I’d hate the look of the turtles going into the film, but overall I was okay with it.

As much as I was hoping to find something about this one to like it just had far too many problems. I usually love the turtles in the comics, the cartoons and the previous films. The writers of this one didn’t respect the turtles enough to develop their characters, make them the stars or give them a good story to work around. When you take characters who have been around for awhile you at least to try and understand what it is about those characters that fans have liked for decades and that sure didn’t happen for this film.

The Oval Potrait

AKA as One Minute Before Death

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1973

Who’s in this? The characters are all kind of botched together as you will soon find out. This is a Mexican/American production and quite honestly if I’d been involved with this film I wouldn’t want anyone to know about it as you’ll also soon learn.

What’s this about? So this is a film claiming influence from Poe and it’s a film that is a gothic horror and shows a ghost just minutes into it would seem like it’s going to pretty cool right? Yeah, that’s what I thought and I have not been that wrong since I thought that Scott Bakula would make a good Starship Captain. Okay, there is this “lady” with the rattiest wig ever and they act like she’s supposed to be 30 something, but she is really 50 something. Anyways she and her mother come into this old house on a dark and stormy night whewwwww. There’se this painting on the wall of a woman with a long nose who looks like she ate bad cheese and our 50 something woman gets all hazy and scared when she sees the picture kind of like she ate bad cheese too and then drank some old milk. Our big wig wearing lead thinks this means there is a ghost about because bad paintings always bring spirits out. Eventually this nonsense goes for a while and then this spirit jumps into Miss ratty wig and this unfortunately leads us into the past to tell the story of the woman in the painting. She has a sour old Union officer daddy and then she falls for a Confederate floppy haired guy with a hairy chest and a bullet wound in his side. Eventually some of the dopiest looking Union soldiers ever come and grab loverboy on his wedding day and take him off leaving his new love to screech and groan. Eventually this woman dies only to be dug up by her Confederate soldier lover but trust me this isn’t as cool as it sounds because the makers of this film know nothing about mood or horror. So fast forward back to present day (as if it really matters) and the maid catches Confederate psycho Loverboy kissing all over his dead love’s corpse smack dab in the middle of the living room and again it’s nowhere as cool as it may initially sound. It’s really just painfully dull. He gets killed (well deserved of course for my money anyways) and his ghost goes off to have a forever spirit world love with his dead lover who is now at peace. Roll the credits on the worst freakin’ ghost story ever.

dead

How about a kiss?

The negatives-A very slow and tedious film. The acting ranges from bland down to where in the world did they get these people? The story was a mess and it got worse as it went along. The sets seemed small, this was supposed to be mansion but we really only se parts of a room or two and a staircase.

The postives-Some of the outdoor scenery was nice and uh yes that’s it.

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Oh, how scary!