It came from the bargain bin- 2001: A space travesty

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2001 (on the case), but other sources have said it was released in fall of 2000.

The President (a not so great Bill Clinton impersonator) has been kidnapped and cloned. Security force, old dude and clumsy guy Dick Dix (Leslie Nielson) is sent to the planet vegan to put an end to this plot before other world leaders are cloned and controlled. This should lead to espionage hilarity…yeah shoulda woulda coulda. Unfortunately you need a good script or at¬†least a sense of humor to get some¬†laughs. Instead we get lame slapstick, lots of talking, limp gags, weak aliens and a cast who look ashamed to be in this film (and they should be). Dix thinks he got the right president in place when they get back to earth, but of course he didn’t. Nothing else about this film has got right so far so why should this point be any different? Other celebrity look a likes who look very little like their celebrity show up at an event where Dix hopes to get the correct president in place. There’s a struggle and not just me struggling to pay attention to this “movie”. Eventually all is set right or at the very least the film ends…shew…roll the credits…please.

I saw this film back when it first came out on VHS yes VHS. I hated it then, but spent a buck on it at the Dollar Tree the other day.

I liked Nielson in Airplane, Naked Gun, Dracula-dead and loving it and some of his other comedies. However I can safely say this is the worst film I have ever seen him. Not his fault though although he did agree to be in it. It’s like 90 minutes of being subjected to someone who thinks they are the funniest person in the world, but they clearly have no idea how to be funny. They try gags that are sort of like ideas from the Naked Gun films, but they all fall flat in this outing. This is just painful like horribly painful, I felt very bad for Nielson for having to be in this thing. You are a strong person if you make it through this movie, but it will drain the life from you. You have been warned.

Was it worth one dollar? No, it wasn’t.

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Space Mutiny

 

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No, don’t make me do this film!

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Look into the eyes of evil…at least until they cut to another scene…any second now.
1988

You may have seen this one get a royal shredding on MST3000 years ago.
You may know two people in this film. One is Reb Brown
(Yor:The hunter from the future, the made for TV Captain America films, Uncommon Valor and various other roles). Here he plays the hero of sorts. Jon Phillip Law (the bad guy here) you may know from Danger Diabolik (an absolute all time favorite of mine), The Golden Voyage of Sinbad, Barbarella and other films.

You will quickly spot the ships and battle sequences as they borrowed/stole/ripped/something these parts from Battlestar Gallactica. Battlestar was ten years old at the time yet those “borrowed” scenes look way better than anything else in the film. Eventually there is a half-hearted mutiny attempt by the greasy villain and a handful of likely underpaid extras show up to fight on both sides. There is a leader with a phony beard, some weird skinny dancing woman, golf carts fitted as futuristic travel and weapons plus 80% of this ship looks like a sewage plant with all the pipes everywhere. Oh and one of their main forms of entertainment involves dancing while wiggling a hula hoop over one’s body, the future looks bleak indeed. A member of the bridge crew gets killed and then appears back at her post like nothing was wrong, methinks the editor of this film wasn’t giving 100% on this film. Anyways the bad guy tries to look evil in an old cartoon sort of way, the good guy flexes his muscles and looks bored and the main female smiles a lot and doesn’t do a whole lot else. Eventually there are lasers flying about, some explosions and the film sort of ends or they just gave up, I’m not really sure which.

The film suffers all the way around to be honest. The biggest problems seem to be the poor script and the lack of budget. Yeah those two will kill your film every time if you decide to make a film with very little budget and a sloppy script. The badness of the entire film make it worth seeing at least once. Although I’d say the MST3000 version is funnier and easier to take.

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Yes, Santa this is where I want you to build my new hair salon.

It’s a rocket, man

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Look what I made from a bunch of junk. Although it may actually still look like junk. I may try to take pictures of it in front of black paper with some lights to be a cheap space scene. This may lead to some interior shots and joeks featuring some action figures and it may show up as an occasional feature here if I can think up jokes and find time and energy to do it. Feel free to submit any suggestions on the the spaceships name. I mentioned the “Uranus 2” but my wife said that was crude.

R.O.T.O.R

rotor

1988

Who’s in this?

I normally like to include the characters and cast, but really research showed the cast was made up mostly of people who mostly did this film and very little else. Three of the four star are dubbed by others as well. Really it’s not about the cast it’s about how poor it is on almost every level.

What’s this about?

This movie takes place in a city that starts with a D. A robot police officer is made, but he goes out of control. The robot here is from R.O.T.O.R which stands for Robotic Officer Tactical Operation Research. I thought the title stood for Ripping Off The Outstanding Robocop. Rather than detail the plot I’ll just throw out some things this film includes.

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-a robot police officer with a Village People mustache.
-unmoving camera angles.
-bad 80’s perms.
-the sound of explosions, but we never see them.
-lots of dubbing.
-we hear people talking but only see closed vehicles or the back of someone’s head.
-a science nerd with thick glasses.
-a guy off the street rips his shirt off before fighting R.O.T.O.R.
-a fry cook wears fake plastic buck teeth.
-a robot that looks like it was put together in a garage by a middle schooler one afternoon.
-everyone from hold up victims to truckers seems to know martial arts.
-lots of people carry around big guns in their cars.
-everyone puts on sunglasses right before they have a shoot out.
-a female bodybuilder with a skunk stripe in her hair battles R.O.T.O.R in the big finale.

Here’s a sampling of some quotes from the movie.

“You want out.. there’s out!’
“Easy, greasy”
“I’m like a cemetary, I’ll take anybody”
“I’m R.O.T.O.R and you are guilty”
“Justice is served C.O.D.”
“What do you think this is some low budget sci-fi flick?”
“I’ve got more than a newspaper”
“Hey faggot city cop”
“In science there’s no room for human error”
“Well it ain’t Pee Wee Herman’s”
“Another pale face grinding his heel in the poor indian’s face”
“Pull that trigger and they’ll be picking up pieces of blue pigshit all over the parking lot”

The negatives-All, yes pretty much all of it.

The positives-So bad it’s worth a viewing. It’s like in the 50’s people with no skills saw sci-fi flicks and thought they could make an easy buck and set about making films like She-Demons and the Giant Leeches. This film was in the 80’s I imagine some people saw Robocop and the Terminator and thought they could do that on a smaller budget. They were wrong, but we can all laugh at their mistake.

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Gallactica 1980

1980

I considered reviewing this show episode by episode but after re-watching a few of them I realized that was not really necessary as I can really throw them all into one review.

Who’s in this?
Lorne Green reprises his role as Commander Adama only now he has a Santa Claus beard and mustache. You know him from Bonanza of course, Battlestar Gallactica and dog food commercials.

Kent McCord as Captain Troy one of the two new stars. Although he is supposed to be Apollo’s adopted son- the Boxey character. McCord has played police and military types over the years. Perhaps best known for his role on Adam 12.

Barry Van Dyke as Lt. Dillon the other part of the pair. The second oldest son of Dick Van Dyke. Best known for working with his dad on Diagnosis Murder.

Robyn Douglass as Jamie an earth woman from 1980 who runs into and befriends Troy and Dillon. She was in a handful of things between the late 70’s and the late 80’s. I know her best as Katherine in Breaking Away (one of my favorite movies of all time).

James Patrick Stuart as child genius Dr. Zee. Stuart was like 11 when he did this. I guess he concectrated on school after this show flopped. About a decade later he showed up again and has worked steady since 1990 in everything from Seinfeld to CSI and as a voice actor in cartoons and video games.

What’s this about? So the Gallactica has finally found earth in the year 1980. Okay that sounds simple enough. Oh wait, the Cyclons have followed them, there’s a guy who uses time travel and there’s these scouts with super powers and Troy and Dillon have shiny motorcycles that fly. What the hell? It’s like the ideas from Battlestar were not good enough so they mixed in ideas from C.H.I.P.S, Buck Rogers and various other shows and then swirled them all round and hoped all these ideas could last for an hours long show. Toss is some known actors in various epsiodes including Robert Reed (he thought the Brady Bunch had bad scripts, just wait), Christopher Stone (the Howling), Richard Lynch (great villain who was in like everything). The show became worse as it went along. There was some time travel idea early on, but that quickly fell aside for all kinds of half-baked silliness. All the ideas of Battlestar Gallactica are mostly tossed aside for a buddy action show kind of like C.H.I.P.S and the Dukes of Hazzard only without the cool stunts and fun. Any potentail early on quickly faded away and weekly (or weakly) Troy and Dillon would limp through various impropable situations. Adama stood there looking stern and talking to Dr. Zee. Jamie seemed interesting at first, but after the first few episodes she was shoved into the background. Oh and wait until the super scouts show up. Kids with problems might be okay, perfect kids from space should make you sick yet no one writing this show realized that. The worst thing about this show is probably what it is in relation to Battlestar Gallactica. If it had been it’s own show with all of the above it would have been bad enough. However inbstead Battlestar Gallactica had real potential but was cancelled after just one season. Then eight months later the network allows a variation to come back on. Yet they get rid of most of the cast of the previous show, cut down the villains, cut down the special effects, limit the action and add in a pair of stars with no chemistry. I never saw the show when it was on The one saving grace out of the ten episodes is the final one “The return of Starbuck” which goes back in time to tell what happened to Starbuck. A fairly good episode, but unfortunately the rest of the series never showed any of the flavor that’s in the last episode.

Movies I couldn’t finish or “stop, I’ve had enough”

GREEN HORN

Now I have seen a bunch of movies in my years. Granted I frequently watch too many of the same ones over and over instead of watching new ones. Overall I have seen quite a few films. I suppose that I consider myself as having a strong spirit in that I can make through some not so great movies either that or I’m just too lazy to reach the remote and turn off the movie. I’ve made it all the way through The Beast from Yucca Flats, Mesa of lost women, Mars needs women, Superman IV, that seventh Friday the 13th movie, Daredevil and a ton of other slop that would have had normal people screaming and running out of the room. However there have been exactly four films in my life where I just felt like I couldn’t take anymore and had to shut it off. Three of those four fall in the genres I cover here so I’ll share what I remember.

Graveyard Shift (or Stephen King’s Graveyard Shift)-This came on TV one night years ago back when I was in college. This was during a time when I would sit through any crap that came on and so would my colleg roommate at the time. We heard this was coming on and figured it might be decent. This one just didn’t take at all with me not even on a low level. I just remember being shocked at how much bad acting, lame effects and wasted space could be jammed into a short space of time.
Estimated time it took befor I switched this one off- I’d say we lasted 20 minutes before we were ready to stick in a VHS copy of Star Trek 2 or Mothra.

Johnny Mnemonic-This one stars one of the worst actors of our time in Keanu Reeves. I watched this when I was going out with the woman who would become my wife. The movie was maybe two or three years old at the time and I watched it on the recomendation of my brother in law as I believe he loaned us the tape (yes, back in the stone ages of VHS). Normally I tend to be on the same page with my brother in law when it comes to horror and sci-fi. Not this time though. The bright cyberpunk nonsense came across like a souless circus that was out of control. It was like they let the monkeys out to make a movie and people jumped around while Keanu Reeves stood there like a lifeless mannequin (not unlike 98% of his films). This one just didn’t seem to be heading anywhere and we were both in agreement that this wasn’t worth our time so click it went off.
Estimated time it took befor I switched this one off-I’d say about 25 minutes as we realized the film was going nowhere and Keanu was just dragging us down with him.

The Green Hornet-Despite being a fan of different versions of the comic and the short-lived 60’s show I had very little interest in this film. Flash back to 1999-2000 TV season and I was enjoying the show Freaks and Geeks before it would terminated well before it’s time. It was a show of pure genius and the cast was stellar. That guy Seth Rogen was great as the deadpan and sarcastic Ken, but I didn’t know then that was all Seth Rogen could do. Once he became a superstar he inflicted pain upon audiences in most of his films. So when I saw he was playing this character I skipped past it. Until one weekend I saw it on the shelf of the library and checked it out. Boy was I sorry. The characters were unlikable, the humor was non-existent and they were doing it all under the guise of a superhero movie. I think Rogen was in one of his inappropriate, long winded rants when I stood up and proclaimed “enough of this” and turned it off.
Estimated time it took befor I switched this one off-This only made it past the hour an hour mark because it was the Green Hornet and onlu of repect for that did I try to soldier on. I guess it was also out of respect for the character that I turned this nonsense off as well.