Memorial Valley Massacre

 

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“Aaaaeee, a killer way scarier than Jason or Freddie..er maybe not so much.”

AKA – Valley of death
1988/1989-Both are listed.

So over Memorial Day weekend a bunch of clich├ęd characters including bikers, a couple of tacky city people with a spoiled son, three metal heads and a war veteran (yay for William Smith) want to come and camp out at Memorial Valley. Of course if they didn’t want to do that there would be no movie…hmm well that could go both ways. Anyways this college kid son of the developer signs on to be assistant camp helper or something. He’ll soon find this isn’t Yogi Bear snatching picnic baskets that he will have to deal no it’s something far less threatening because this is one of the worst slasher films ever. You see this guy who looks like a cross between Rambo and Mowgli is living in a cave. No, I didn’t make that up but I suspect the writers of this “film” made this up as they went along. So our killer gets slashed by the fat spoiled guy and he goes ballistic-arghh I’m a crazed, cave living savage with poofy hair and I’ll kill you all- that is he may have said that if he could have spoken. So then there’s a wet t-shirt dance by the metal girl, a no nudity sex scene and some of the worst soundtrack music ever. William Smith wants to stay in his camper and I don’t blame for not wanting to show his face in this film. Then George the head ranger and total sourpuss says hey lets go after this wild dude to pick up the pace of this train wreck of a movie. So every dummy there gets a gun and the wild dude promptly knocks them off one at a time with weapons, explosions, spiked pits, a lame bear hug and other unimpressive methods. Then a real shocker is laid out well not really but George the ranger is the daddy of wild child, but George gets killed the jungle Rambo flees and everything gets wrapped up or maybe they ran out of film. Anyways roll the credits.

Stats-
Number of unconvincing bikers-Six, yeah all of them.
Number of too clean wild dude slasher types-one or one too many.
Number of blindingly bad 80’s outfits worn by the city couple-two I think, but then again I was blinded after the first two.

This was a rather painful attempt in the slasher genre but it had some things that were worth laughing at. Plus this film also gives people desperate to watch a holiday related films something to watch for Memorial Day if indeed that desperate.

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Yeah this is what qualifies as “cool kids” in this film.

Friday the 13th pt. 3

Friday3

1982

What’s this about? After nearly six minutes of re-cap of part two some funky music comes on while credits are thrown at us in 2D plus 1. Some unlikable store owners get whacked and here we go. We meet our victims cast which includes three poofy haired girls, a jock looking guy, a dork who likes masks and pranks plus two stoners who appear to have very little else to do. They come upon some kook who waves an eyeball at them and at you if you are watching this in the third dimension. So this van full of young people arrives at this farm place and we meet Rick-yawn. Then we get some dull dialog, doors opening on their own and the chubby guy thinks it’s a laugher to pretend to have been killed-hardeharhar. The chubby guy and one of the fluff haired girls run into some motorcycyle toughs who appear to live only to hang out at a convenience store while attempting to make mean faces. Hey, this is a slasher movie so let’s quit showing shoulder shots of Jason and get on with it. The chubby goofy guy gets it but he should be thanked for providing Jason with his soon to be trademark hockey mask. After that the terror, attempted 3D effects,post sex murders and narrowing down of the cast is on and people are getting bumped off rather quickly. Our bland lead couple return to the house to find no people and some burnt popcorn. Rick soon gets his school cracked (yay) with some so-so special effects. So we are down to one in Chris who better tighten the laces on her “flee for your life shoes” because here comes our axe wielding killer Jason. Chris tries to fight back with a knife and then a chunk of wood. Not a bad plan as she gets to the van and even causes Jason to jump off the road and out of her way. Sorry, sister the motorcycle gang took the van’s gas-awwwww. Here comes our killer again so Chris has to go try hide and seek only she’s hoping the seek part doesn’t quite happen. Eventually he whacks him with a shovel-kabong and attempt to hang him-wait now who’s the attacker in this film? One more motorcycle dud dude shows up to get chopped to itty bitty kibble and provide a distraction for Chris to put an axe in in Jason’s head. Her work is done so she goes into a boat and out onto the lake because that’s always worked well before and she falls asleep. It’s a new day, the sun is out, the birds are chirping and holy moly there’s a blood covered freak in the house getting ready to come after Chris…or is there? Jason’s mom comes out of the water-uh wait isn’t she dead-ewww and she grabs Chris. Police get Chris and take her away as she babbles about not wanting to be in another sequel or something. They leave and we see Jason’s body sitting still in the barn so that must be it for this series or is it? Roll the credits.

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All clear-eeeeeyaaaaaa!

The negatives-As with any film in this series the acting isn’t so hot. We get some okay performances and some flat ones. Plot wise this film doesn’t do a whole lot that hasn’t been done in the previous two. The 3D effects are hit and miss.

The positives-The settings are good and particularly the barn provides a spooky place for Jason to work his slashing magic. I like that Jason (the late Richard Brooker this time) is at full superhuman power now with no too long wrestling matches with goofballs like Paul in the second film. Plus as mentioned above he gets his hockey mask which right away looks creepy. The action takes a while to get going but moves along fine once it kicks in. The film does a fair job of building the tone by showing parts of Jason behind hanging laundry and in the barn doorway.

This one isn’t as good as the first two, but it’s better than most of the films in the series that came after it.

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Let me give you a hand, uh maybe not.