Monster Fighting 101: The Creature from the Black Lagoon

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So it you run into this big old fishy guy here are some tips.

1-Distance as in keeps yours from his. He’s a strong dude and can rip flesh with those claws.
2-He’s a fish dude so don’t think you can out swim him. If you go in the water after him (for some ungodly reason) you better have a weapon and a helper or two. He’s is in his natural element there.
3-He can be on land and can be strong for a while, but only for limited periods. So use that to your advantage if you run into him on land. Keep your distance and try to observe if he’s gasping or not for being out of the water too long. If he is it may be time to strike if you have a good weapon and/or some help.
4-Knock out powder that some crazy old sea captain uses to konk out fish apparently works on the creature if you use large amounts. So pick up a big canister of fish zonker or whatever the next time you are Trader Joes or whatever store you go to.
5-Being alone when the creature is around is a big no-no. Travel in groups and be prepared to shove the other person in front of you and say “take them first” when the creature comes.
6-If a woman in a soaked evening dress is laying on the beach it’s not a gift from the heavens. So don’t go checking on her close because the creature will pop up and either toss you nose first into a tree or just crush your skull like a peanut shell.
7-A gun with a good range and a strong flashlight or something even brighter seem to work best for bringing this dude down if he’s out in the water.
8-Oh and don’t change him into an air breather because he really hates that.

There you go, hope those helped.

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She Demons

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1958

A few people are washed ashore on an island after a ship misadventure, but not of them are named the skipper or Gillidan. The most boring leading man maybe ever is a square headed guy named Fred and he is one of these survivors. There is also a spoiled blond haired woman named Jerrie (Irish McCalla who was TV’s Sheena). Also there’s Fred’s friend Sammy Ching (fans of older films may recognize him as Victor Sen Yung who played Charlie Chan’s Number Two Son) , sorry Sammy but given that you aren’t the leading man or leading lady I have a feeling you won’t last long and he doesn’t. Eventually these people wander upon scantily clad dancing girls and Nazis out here on a seemingly deserted island. What are the chances? In a 1950′s B movie? The chances are actually pretty decent. Anyways some of the girls dance, but some of them get whipped – smacka smacka smack smack. Our castaways/heroes try to help the girls that got whipped, but they get noticed by the soldiers. Fred eventually ends up in a fight with an overweight Nazi where the object of the encounter seems to be to smash every item in the room. The two combatants also manage to somehow change hair styles and body shapes during the fight – how peculiar. Later Jerrie is taken in by the head baddie sour face who gives her a new dress-oh how beautiful. Mr. Sour explains (in a cringingly bad German accent) that Hogan and his buddies will never escape- oh wait actually he said he’s taking some gland stuff from the young women to try and help restore his wife’s beauty. What a noble guy but then he hits on Jerrie- the scum! Apparently the island’s volcano gets mad over this as it explodes around this time kaplooooooieee! The Nazi leader’s wife tells Fred and Jerrie how to get off the island (yay) but then she shows how creepy she looks (aaaaieee). The heroes live and evildoers die, isn’t that always the way? Roll the credits.

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This movie gets slagged on pretty hard, but don’t into that without seeing it for yourself. Yes, the acting is laughable and the plot is ridiculous but it’s a fun bad movie. A good bad movie keeps you glued because of a combination of being, crazy and hopefully decent pacing and this one does all of that.

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Mecha G’s Monster of the month-Evil Ash

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“Fear my way, humans! You death comes today, I’ll rip your….” Howdy there! It’s me Mecha G here to share the monster of the month. This month it is an evil version of another character that being Ash. They say evil like it’s a bad thing. Actually he was created from the original Ash, but this “monster” chose the better path IMOMO (In my own monstrous opinion-in case you didn’t know). He was bettter looking than the original, wittier and he got to lead and Army of darkness. What more could you ask? Okay, it would have been nice if he had won, but you can’t always have everything. Have to get back to my full time job. “Rarrrrrrrrrr, I’m going to wipe out this city in seconds, rarrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Monster fighting 101: Frankenstein’s monster

Okay the first thing to know is this-

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Frankenstein refers to a man-frequently a scientist who put together a monster and brought it to life.

Frankenstein’s monster refers to the creation or yeah “monster” and that’s who I am talking about fighting in this post. So let’s get at it.

First this one is difficult because there have been different types of monsters/creation by people named Frankenstein. Many of the early ones had less direction and were slower, but others were more like humans with different minds so I’ll try to cover as many as I can below.

Tips-

1-Fire tends to scare the monster at least at first. You just have to be in control of the fire of course because a raging inferno isn’t going to be good for anyone involved.

2-Speed is an advantage you likely have over the monster. So that helps in fleeing,  and for fighting you can likely reach weapons to use against the monster quickly.

3-Intelligence helps here as in anything. Frequently these monsters are slow mentally and gullible. So you may be able to lure them into a trap. Provided you have some intelligence and are able to keep calm in the face of the monster.

4-Keep the monster’s durability in mind. They are frequently made of dead parts of people. So these beasties can be tough to kill since they have died once and came back. So guns and knives will only cause minimal damage. To fight them with a weapon you will need something that will really make an impact and from a distance such as flame throwers or maybe rigging something like a falling pulley or other swinging object may have enough force to do some damage.

5-The monsters frequently seem fond of little kids and woman so using them as bait may work too (sorry about that woman and little kids).

6-The monster always seems to be created at a castle or a large isolated house. So if there are reports of a monster on the loose it’s probably staying at the local castle or large old house. So if you are bold enough to go after it go there. If you have not other alternative you could always blow up the castle if you are sure the monster is in it.

There you go, hope that helps. Feel free to add other tips in the comment section.

 

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The Bat

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1959

So what do you get when you mix a horror legend (Vincent Price), one of the scariest TV mother’s ever (Agnes Moorehead of Bewitched), a former Our Gang member (Darla Hood) and a story that had already been filmed several times before? Yeah, you get the Bat a suspense/mystery film that tries to pretend to be a horror film. If you’ve ever bought one of cheapie horror collections from Wal-Mart you may have gotten this film at least once.

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“I’ll bet it’s Derwood-oh, wrong program.”

It begins promising enough with Price shooting a guy in a cabin and burning it down to cover up said murder. Don’t be fooled yet though because now you need to prop yourself up to stay awake for awhile. Agnes Moorehead comes into the scene as a mystery writer Cornelia Van Gorder. She and her companion/helper/another older woman talk to a bunch of others-blah, blah, blah including Darla Hood. The two woman live in an old house, no say it ain’t so- the old house! Oh, wait I just figured you should beware of old houses. Maybe so while at said house they hear lots of noises. Eventually there are some real break-ins, people are murdered and a masked guy named …yeah the Bat is suspected. Detective Anderson comes by, looks sour and starts accusing Price (who is a doctor who does research involving bats) and he also accuses the…butler of being the Bat!  What kind of corn is that? The butler? Even Scooby Doo knew better than that most of the time. Anyways the women scream and Cornelia finally remember she is a mystery writer and sets to trying to figure this thing out. Price’s character is killed by the masked wrongdoer the Bat. So the good news, Mr. Price is your character is  off the hook for being the Bat, but the bad news is your character is well dead. Cornelia figures out there are millions of bucks worth of securities hidden in her house and she finds the secret passage. She and a few remaining survivors manage to corner the Bat as he tries to get said securities. Bang, bang, bang the Bat goes down for the count, oh wait it’s just bat movie in name only and no vampires, oh well ignore the attempted joke. Anyways the Bat is detective Anderson, yeah I gave up caring by this point too. Roll the credits.

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“Is that Wolverine?”

The acting is alright enough and Moorehead and Price help when they can. Overall it just suffers from being a creaky, low budget film that isn’t scary enough to be a horror film and not really clever enough to be a good mystery.

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“I’ll scratch that itch for you.”

 

Galactica 1980-Spaceball

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“Get out of the way, earth kid. We want to see those adorable space kids play, oh wait actually we really don’t.”

In case you missed this short lived show it was really an abomination of the science fiction world. No , really it was. After the network realized their mistake in canceling Battlestar Galactica they brought it back only as a shell of a show. They found earth, but it was now a mostly new cast and using stock footage was a must. Add in really bad acting, ridiculous plots and horrible dialog and you get the idea. Anyways they need manage to crank out a baseball episode.

Galactia warrior types and normal main characters Troy and Dillon get lured off earth in a messed up ship by a meanie named Nash. Troy and Dillon’s earth friend and reporter Jamie is taking care of the Galactica’s kids who of course have super strength, speed and stuff. Jamie is trying to avoid an Air Force guy who has interest in Dillon, Troy and the space scouts (those kids). Jamie goes to cover a story about an ex-ball player who has a camp going where teaches kids baseball and she takes the scouts with her. The ex-ball player has a problem-he has a bad hair piece, no wait that’s the actor’s problem. He will lose his camp if his team of kids don’t play in the championship, but oh my they are sick! Cough, cough, cough! Hey, Jamie has some super space kids let’s get them to play. Baddie Nash meets Jamie and tells her he has been sent to help her-you lie like a rug, mister, but she believes him. Meanwhile the Air Force guy gets a lead on where Jamie and the space scouts are and he closes in on them because that’s what the script says to do. Meanwhile out in space Troy and Dillon realize Nash gave them a bad ship so they set out to fix it and do, but make sure you notice their all too obvious strings pulling them while in “space”. Meanwhile (lots of meanwhiles here) Nash talks to Adama on his wrist communicator thingie and tries to deal with him, but no deal happens. Wait this is a baseball episode so the space scouts play against another team of earth kids. Jamie tells the space kids to stink  it up because the Air Force guy is watching and he’ll grab them if they show their real powers. They suck and the earth kids razz them like “I got a better swing in my backyard”-oh the humanity. By the six inning it’s Cougars (earth kids) 6 to 0 for the Polecats (space scouts). Jamie learns Nash plans to take the kids away once the game is over so she tells the scouts to win because well the reason is coming up. So they step it up and use their powers, smacking the ball over the trees, pitching incredible strikes and finally jumping into the air to win. Fans and the press swarm the kids on the field so Nash can’t grab them. He does try to wait for them, but Jamie manages to get Air Force guy on his trail and then Troy and Dillon show up so everyone follows Nash, but he escapes via stunt double and poorly animated laser from his toy gun. Also Air Force guy takes a lame laser to the chest, but he’ll be alright. Of course hisgetting knocked out allows Jamie and the scouts time to leave and the show unfortunately goes on but not for long.

Teams-Cougars and Polecats-Little League teams

This show was awful in general, but this episode switches things up a little. Normally it was all about Troy and Dillon and when Jamie was on she was a supporting character. Robyn Douglas didn’t have very good dialog or much else to work with here, but she was far more likable than the main characters. So this episode has that going for it. The baseball action such as it was left much to be desired. I did like seeing their Little League uniforms of the time and the field.

That’s going to wrap up baseball week. There will likely be a future sports week some time soon and maybe a football episode week in the fall if I can come up with enough episodes to last a week.

 

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Quiet, Jamie is talking.

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Behold our shiny jackets and matching pants.